Home » Uncategorized » From Louise: I received this comment today on my personal blog, “The Fires of Hell”. It speaks for itself.

From Louise: I received this comment today on my personal blog, “The Fires of Hell”. It speaks for itself.

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Hi all. I have searched for a place to discuss CPS with others who suffer, and wonder if I have found that place?

The story on this page about sleep made me stop and read deeply. Truly, I understand the problem. Had if for over two years and am ready to make it end by ending me.

Until today, I did not know of the terminology CPS, as I am told it is neuropathic pain. I will settle for CPS, as I can spell that much easier.

Today is my 58th birthday and I am so depressed I just want to cry out for help. I am divorced and very much without family or friends and am living in “the perfect storm” of hell. Three years ago, massive ischemic stroke. Amazingly did not die, or become totally disabled. Fact is, I lived a year, without medical assistance, no insurance, and had no idea how lucky I was at the time, to have only come away with a lot of trouble in the left leg, and essential loss of my left hand. I had a memorable day in the park, throwing a football around with my children a month after the stroke.

A year after the TBI, all hell began to rain down. The brain damage started to become very apparent, and I began to physically come apart. About that time I finally pushed through to a disability claim so I could see a doctor. She is a god incarnate with regards to her manner and willingness to believe me and help me. She is a neurologist, and after I explained my pain symptoms, and we worked on issues, she determined I have no neuropathy, but that the pain is all from the body attempting to repair all the blown up nerve connections, which has wiped out my entire left side, toe, to ear and all points in between.

The pain is like nothing I could ever imagine. I read others description and just nod my head, I have that, I have that, never had that, I am in big trouble since I am totally alone in all of this.

The brain damage is extensive and since it took out most of the right frontal lobe, my emotional controls are gone, and in addition to congetive, anlytical, short term memory, and host of other functions, depression is rampant between the depression from the brain damage and end of my normal life, when I add in the CPS, I spend a lot of time on the suicide hotline and am simply screaming for help and relief. None has appeared so my time on earth is very limited, since the only way to end the pain, is to end the life

Those of you who suffer this pain, my heart goes out to you. I would give you a warm, affectionate, caring hug if I did not know the pain would be unbearable. I cannot stand because of the pain in my feet. I cannot sit, because half of my rear end is on the left side :-) and is just hurts to much. I cannot lay down, because eventually I need to roll over and that means the left side is touched and so I can’t stand, sit, or lay down. I still live, but I don’t knowy why.

I was told two years ago, that I would try dozens of meds, but that in the end, the pain will never go away. She was correct, I have tried more than a dozen to no avail. Most of the “miracle” meds, lyrica, gabapentin, you name it, all bring me crippling side effects, from nausea, to uncontrollable thoughts of suicide and major attacks of vertigo that make life unlivable.

I do not know where to turn, as without the brain functions, its hard to deal with the pain, and the pain affects the brain via depression. I only receive SSI payments, and of course cannot work. I lost my home an all possessions, along with every penny, and lived for time on money from when I had to give away my home, but that is long gone and now I have not enough money to pay for a home, or any other necessities.

It is such a brutal existence. I see at least one doctor a day, every day for months. Mental doctors. pain doctors, physical therapists, you name one, I see them Pschologist, Psychiatrists, social workers, the whole gamut, but they can’t help until the pain goes away and its not going away as long as I am alive.

I guess no one gets what they truly hope for in life, but I never thought I would be the end at only 58 years of age. Worse than most all of it, I will never be able to afford to live, as SSI does not provide and I am locked into that pittance of a payment, every month, forever. IF I live four more years, I can “retire” at 62, but that is a miniscule increase of only a few hundred$ and will mean medicare instead of medicaid. I hate being on welfare, but medicaid pays for nearly everything. medicare will mean I need a supplement an that will take way any increase I might see from SSI to retirement.

IF you are in pain that makes you wish to die, I want to talk with you, because I am, and its incomprehensible to most people.

curse the luck, look at the economy that had me out of work when I had the stroke, which meant I cannot have SSDI. the difference in help financing would have let me keep my home, but dramatically, it means I am going to die. Its not the forum to complain about they system, but I am one who can understand chronic pain 24/7/365 My heart goes out to anyone there. The docs ask for a number from 1 to 10. I ten is being completly on fire, while being pummeled with a baseball bat ever minute, I am at 16, and most physicians think I am lying about that.

thanks for the space. You are in luck, I am worn out from typing with one hand, the right one doesn’t work, so I gotta move around, and sorry that I am too weary to proofread all of this.

John

John is the reason that we are creating this Foundation. Right now, there is NO one truly searching for a way to end John’s anguish. All of us who suffer from CPS know the utter extreme of pain that John is suffering, because we have felt it. Even if we do not feel it right now, we have the horrible knowledge of what it is. That knowledge, once learned, is impossible to forget, and impossible not to fear. Right now I – or you _ may be in a much better spot than John, a 5 or a 4 instead of a 10 – or a 16.But you know what a 10 and even a 16 feel like.

For me, the thought that I could someday end up as a 10 or a 16 is the ultimate goad towards making this organization work. That may sound selfish, but it is a selfishness I urge you all to adopt. Help the Central Pain Syndrome Foundation because you, too, may end up like John. You may – or someone you love dearly, who has a medical tragedy still in front of them – pay feel this freezing, burning, electrical lash of the neurological Devil, the lash that never flicks off of your skin, but burrows inside you and infiltrates all your muscles like an acid. So please forward this website, and its story, to anyone that you feel should understand more about Central Pain Syndrome, and our mission here.

If you wish to write to John individually, I urge you to do so. There may not be much that we can always do for one another, but the human hand of comfort is felt not only in person. It reaches through electronic written means as well. You can reach John at ewsnet@gmail.com


12 Comments

  1. staffy says:

    Hi john,
    I totally understand what you are going through as I m also in super chronic burning pain 24×7 till having difficulty sitting, lying down, stand or even walk. I m hoping the damaged nerves regeneration will speed up and give me a painless life back soon. Take care !

  2. montcler says:

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